Somebody broke my balls.
And I'd really like to find the guilty party.
I mean my balls, literally. The large, bright blue, ceramic balls that used to reside in front of my house before a person or persons so savagely broke them.
I know who breaks my balls, figuratively. That would, of course, be Edward. Just the other day, he did or said something that prompted me to respond, "If you had shown me this side of yourself while we were dating, things would have turned out a whole lot differently for us." Due to the aging process, or something much more sinister, I can't remember why I said that, I only remember that what Edward did or said was very, very irritating.
So back to the literal balls. These bright, blue balls were large and like nothing I have seen before or since. They were unusual and made quite a statement. I loved those balls, but apparently not everyone in the neighborhood did.
One day, I was gardening and hidden behind the hedges that line the front of my house. People were talking in the street, and when they got to my house, I heard this exchange:
"Wow. Those are some blue balls."
"Oh my God. Can you believe they put those there?"
"The house is really very nice until you see those horrible blue balls."
Undaunted, I popped up from behind the hedges and yelled a cheery good morning (and something else under my breath). A man and a woman were either highly sunburned or blushing a deep red as they said good morning and then ran off.
Were my blue balls ugly? I thought for a while and concluded, No! My blue balls are beautiful.
A few weeks later, Edward and I were awakened from a deep sleep around 2 a.m. by the sound of breaking ceramic. We never saw who did it, but we found shards of our beloved balls all over the front of our house.
Who could have been so cruel?
Some have suggested it was a mercy killing, but I reject that notion completely.
First of all, how dare they! How dare they insult your balls and how dare they break your balls, blue or otherwise. Secondly, anyone who doesn't like the stuff you have in your yard has no taste, whatsover. Thirdly, Barnie and Edward remind me a lot of my sister and her husband.
ReplyDeleteThank you Susan for your strong, supportive statements, but Mom and Dad only had one biological child.
ReplyDeleteAnd which one is the bio child?
ReplyDeleteWell, if you have to ask....Didn't you ever notice that you had a striking resemblance to the paper hanger who never left named Ruby?
ReplyDeleteBit bold of me to enter this family dispute, but let me say as a non-family member, so to speak, that you had balls to display those balls and to call for the capture of those responsible for their demise.
ReplyDeleteExcuse me, Barry, but those balls were beautiful--really museum-like--and my neighbors should have been pleased to have art of such quality so well displayed.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, big, blue yet breakable. Bollocks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding, Susan.
ReplyDelete