Diary of a Mad Housewife

Saturday, March 27, 2011


      Edward left the house early to attend a lecture given by Michael Korda on his biography of Lawrence of Arabia. I opted to sleep in and read the paper undisturbed.  Normally when I read The Times, I am forced to read the same sentence at least three times over as Edward provides constant commentary from his side of the kitchen table.  I wonder if there are muzzles for humans?

      Edward returns and joins me in in the den to watch the Rangers play the Bruins.  Since the season is ending, and the Rangers need all the points they can get going into the playoffs, this is an important game.  In the third period, when the Rangers are leading 1-0 but are getting pounded by the Bruins, I get unnerved and start shouting and, I'm sorry to admit it, hitting Edward.  However, in my defense, I hit him with a Starbucks Venti paper cup and it was only a few times on the head, and he wasn't really injured.  At the end of the game, Edward declares that he thought it would be good to watch the game at home because he would save money and not have to sit next to people like me, but unfortunately, all he did was save money.

      In the afternoon, I go to the Lululemon store on Third and 66th to buy my outfit for the 5k run sponsored by the Wildlife Conservation Society to raise money to help save penguins (for more information, please go to:  http://e.wcs.org/goto/Nancy).  When I walk into the store, I am immediately hit by the fact that one must be young and unbelievably attractive to work there.  I gulp and look through the racks.  I gulp again when I look at the prices.  I start to sweat and take off my coat.  A twentysomething with a long, lithe body, long blonde hair and big blue eyes asks if she can help.  It's too bad I no longer have my Starbucks Venti paper cup because I want to hit her over the head.  I select a top, jacket, vest and two pairs of pants so I am ready for all possible weather conditions on the day of the run, but where are the sports bras?  Sweet blonde thing says I probably don't need a sports bra with the top I chose, but she doesn't have my breasts, which require body armour to hold them in place.  She gets the damn bra for me.   At the checkout counter, the total bill causes me to feel guilt, shame and chest pain.  Normally I don't hide expeditures from Edward, but it's hard to explain spending so much on stuff I'm going to sweat in so I hand over cash plus the credit card so when Edward sees the smaller credit card bill he won't think Lululemon is the name of a car dealership.

      I haul myself home and read awhile before we meet Cheeks-A-Flying (CAF) and his lovely wife, the Queen of Jurisprudence, Mommy, for dinner.  I tell them that our new bathroom is finished but since Edward dislikes the new faucet, light fixture and towels, he is using the old bathroom downstairs.  Works for me.  We discuss travel and places we might possibly go to together which reminds me of when Edward and I went to Israel and for some inexplicable reason, at a roadside stop in the middle of the desert, Edward asked a bedouin if he could ride his camel.  The bedouin was happy to oblige and wanted to assist further by adding authenticity to the photo op.  He grabbed a head scarf that had been tied to the camel's butt and plopped it on Edward's head.  I was horrified, but Edward, not knowing where the scarf came from, had a silly grin on his face.  When I later told him about the scarf, Edward resisted the impulse to go to the ER and simply said, "If you love me, you'll kiss my head."